I know.. Probably most of all my posts are about me complaining…complaining on a lot of things… but here I’ll go again….. sigh…Every thing’s getting to me… sometimes I really feel like quitting everything but I know that’s not worth it…A lot of things to do… and…arghhhhh……. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Felt really bad today…. had the school nurse to come over to the room.. she gave me medication for the various pain I was feeling… I said to myself that I was gonna attend the afternoon classes… but I didn’t….felt so weak physically and mentally…stayed in the room… did some studying….and decided to stay in bed and watch the Gladiator. Since I got here… I have yet to watch any new movies….. I asked my sister to send some movies over as I really feel outdated and I need some entertainment in life… but so far…haven’t received any.. so here I tend to watch my roommate’s Coffee Prince(korean series), again and again…and again…with no subtitles ah..mind you..But I understand the face expressions and stuff lolz…..

Anyway, I searched around for movies from other’s laptops.. and so far I’ve only gotten few old movies from 1 friend… and while in bed today I watched the Gladiator..I think its me not feeling well and feeling very moody… and for the fact that I am a sucker for movies…who could cry over the smallest things…Gladiator made me cry so hard.certain parts really really really made me cry so bad…sigh… yesterday hadn’t been great…. and today as well.. I hope everything would be alright tomorrow…..

Hmmm still can’t get rid of the mood from watching The Gladiator… I know this is one of AhFad’s favourite movies,, am I right, Cindy? sigh….moody gila eh…sigh…..I wanna go back…

something from the movie..

Heard this song from JiHee’s Ipod on the way back to the school… The song has a nice tune… and the fact that the girl has the same name as my 2nd name… lol… Do enjoy the song… Till It Happens to You by Corinne Bailey Rae

I know what I said
was heat of the moment
but theres a little truth in between the words we’ve spoken
its a little late now to fix the heart thats broken
please dont ask me where i’m going
cuz i dont know
no i dont know anymore

It used to feel like heaven
used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing our strings like a symphony
now they’ve gone away
nobody wants to face the truth
but you wont believe what love can do
till it happens to you
till it happens to you

went to the old flat
guess i was trying to turn the clock back
how come that nothing feels the same now when im with you
we used to stay up all night in the kitchen
when our love was new
oooh love im a fool to believe in you
cuz i dont know
no i dont know
anymore

It used to feel like heaven
It used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing our strings like a symphony
now they’ve gone away
nobody wants to know the truth
until their hearts broken
dont you dare tell them
what you think to do
till they get over
you can only learn these things
from experience
when you get older
I just wish that someone would have told me
till it happpens to you
till it happens to you
till it happens to you

I got my Record Of Achievement for my Mid-Term exam… Overall I got ‘ok’ marks…Could’ve gotten higher marks that’s why am so disappointed on myself… Remember the subject I blanked out? yeah… no wonder I had so bad and negative vibes on it.. I failed that paper… sigh.. it totally dragged my marks down…friends been consoling me saying the average mark I’ve achieved is good enough…but I am really disappointed with myself… sigh………

I know.. I should not say ‘what if, why…how come?…why did I…?’, but its just normal that I would react this way… so for now… I am really down….

I woke up crying this morning.. I think the dream that I had was so surreal… it really saddened me and was shocked to see tears rolling as I got up…

I had a really bad dream…. which concerns of death… and the worst part was that it happened to me… I mean, I have had dreams on death before… but to actually have one on myself.. it really…freaked me out… and the worst part of it was that my family was in it… How dreams would differ from reality, is when the people in your dream would be blurry.. that when u wake up from you dream, you wont be able to remember half of it… or half of the people involved yea? but my dream was so surreal… that every single member of my family was in it..I remembered every single detail. it was really so surreal..

Ok this might sound weird, but in my dream, I dreamt that I was in a bus with my parents and Cindy, and I dreamt that the bus crashed.. and I was gonna go…only me… it’s like Final Destination where you can see what’s gonna happen.. [hey..people.. I dun mean this as a joke k ] and the next day when I got up.. I told my family about it… and for some reasons… they knew it was coming.. that we couldn’t avoid it…We had to take the bus trip…. So there I was.. saying all my farewells to my family..wht they said to me… each one of them… and we kept crying…

The ending? SAD ENDING. I suppose that’s why I was actually crying when I got up… it’s the worst dream I’ve had ever since I got here… sigh

Had a conversation earlier on with Mr. Curang a.k.a Benny..( although now he said I cant call him Mr.Curang ody… hmm..) He was singing few songs…Was it to cheer me up… or sindir-sindiran.. I don’t know.. but he did make me laugh.. thanks Ben.. the poem u gave me ( which u read it DRASTICALLY), the songS you sang ‘LIVE’… everything..thanks. One of the songs that he sang… was this one particular song that I used to sing back in kk.. one of my favs as well.. I told Ben that my scar…the ‘luka’… he made it worse coz Ben is like a bottle of Vinegar… spilled the ‘cuka’ on my ‘luka’… Hey ben.. that rhymed! maybe I can make a pantun for u now! KA!! But thanks Ben for being a great friend!

Enjoy this song guys… Bukan Diriku…-Sams0ns-

All the feelings lately that I have been trying to ‘cover up’…by doing a lot of things to make myself occupied so as not to think much backfired me last night… Everything got to me and it totally broke me down.. I have been really tired I suppose… thinking about everything else really got to me… So today have been bad for me… classmates been wondering what’s with the sad & tired look….eyes are droopy and even my smile seemed faded… I honestly think so too… Hmmm…. Just releasing myself out now… Maybe I will get myself some drinks tonight after a group meeting… and just sleep… drink and sleep….that’s my best ’sleeping’ medicine now I guess… Drinking once in awhile isn’t bad right… Not always…

Babies! Girls! Babes! I’m in need of you! Remember how we would go out each time any of us would have problems? I miss those times.. I miss you guys… I really miss you guys… sigh…. I feel…weak…..

This town is colder now, I think it’s sick of us
It’s time to make our move, I’m shakin off the rust
I’ve got my heart set on anywhere but here
I’m staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel…
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal… for the life I leadStop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re ‘here’ not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted here… Sometimes I just feel like staying in my room for days…stay in the dark… I don’t feel like going out and socializing… I really am frustrated over things… So numb…so so numb…

Had a bad day yesterday… It was a Sunday, but I had to work on a group accounting project… I met up with my 3 other group members at 11.30am right after having my brunch… and…I only got to get back to my room at 4am today… I am really exhausted… I had classes this morning at 10am..but I couldn’t attend em’.. Had really bad migraine…  Maybe its lack of rest and too much of thinking…. This makes me really miss home but I’m hanging in here…

I miss being able to just call up the girls to have a drinking session and to talk about things… I have so much to let out.. and yet I can’t… I feel like screaming my lungs out… I feel like taking a break.. I feel like doing a lot of things…But I can’t.. .

Mid-term exam had just gone by..which was last week.. And yet now I have to start on the reports and presentations yet to come for the next few weeks. Just done with exam, and already we have new things to do this week…  Just bear with me guys.. I know.. It seems as though I’m complaining.. But here is where I can release things out… I talk about things but not to the extend that I will quit and just go back to KK.. Just that for now.. I am freakin’ tired…

I’m about to attend my internship interview this Wednesday… Its a 3 hour journey from my place here… I don’t know how will I do during the interview… But guys please pray that I’d do good k… Tonight and tomorrow I would surely get plenty of rest so that I could do good during the interview…

Now I am just sitting down here… looking at people pass by… I just feel so numb over everything… A lot of things have happened… I don’t know exactly how am I to handle everything at this moment.. OVERWHELMED…. totally overwhelmed…. I wish I had my family here…dad….cute mom… my ‘kurus’ brother..(sigh..saying that managed to make me smile by myself for awhile).. my sisters..especially Cindy… my nephews and nieces… sigh.. I wanted to call dad up just now.. But I haven’t gotten the chance to top up my phone.. shop’s closed..sigh..I miss my dear family… My babes back in KK… girls… you girls just don’t know how badly I need you by my side now… For now.. I still feel so bad over what has happened.. I truly am sorry..

There would be times in life where you would get hurt and you tend to hurt other’s feelings too. I’ve hurt and been hurt before, and when you’ve been through these kinds of feelings, you would be afraid to start on a new relationship. As for me, I am afraid. Always afraid of the hurt one could get. Yes being in a relationship would give one, happy and sweet memories too.. but.. Am I a believer? Yes I am.. that’s why I never closed my heart for anyone, I always believed that there would be someone out there for me. I never anticipated, but I never closed my heart for love..

But for now, I think that I should not have started anything at all. The love’s there.. But I know I’m hurting him in so many ways. Why did I go beyond my own beliefs and went on with it? Why didn’t I follow what my head was telling me? Why didn’t I follow my rationalism? WHY IS IT THAT I ALWAYS FOLLOW MY HEART?!?!?!?!? Every single relationship, I always went with my feelings. **** I’m stupid. WHY!~?!?! Why didn’t I think of the consequences? Both knew what was coming but why did we go through it?

I am so sorry that I hurt you. I truly am… But I know you wont be hurt as much in the future.. I don’t want to prolong the hurt that we’re both causing each other.. Sorry…

Once again we sit in silence
After all is said and done
Only emptiness inside us
Baby, look what we’ve become
We can make a million promises
But we still won’t change
It isn’t right to stay together
When we only bring each other painChorus:
I don’t wanna cry
Don’t wanna cry
Nothing in the world
Could take us back
To where we used to be
Though I’ve given you my heart and soul
I must find a way of letting go
‘Cause baby, I don’t wanna cry

Too far apart to bridge the distance
But something keeps us hanging on and on
Pretending not to know the difference
Denying what we had is gone
Every moment we’re together
Is just breaking me down
I know we swore it was forever
But it hurts too much to stay around

All the magic’s gone
There’s just a shadow of a memory
Something just went wrong
We can’t go on make-believing